I’ve been pondering humility lately. In seeking to build my better self, I’m learning to let go of control. A lot. It’s the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. It’s also incredibly refreshing.
I can’t believe I used to be so anal-retentive, uptight, and so in control of everything. The problem with that personality was that I was a complete and total bitch. I was unbending at least-completely unyielding at best. It was my way or the highway. But my house was immaculate, I had a 4.0 GPA, and a job whose work I consistently brought home. Oh yeah, and a lot of pride. What I didn’t have was a social life. I didn’t have fulfilling relationships or the good sense to humble myself…..ever.
In the past few years I have changed an incredible amount. I owe much of this to my husband. He has taught me the value of letting things go and remaining calm. He has taught me to enjoy silence, yet suck the marrow out of life. Nursing school taught me to slow down and listen. To try doing things another way, instead of my way. My daughter has brought me further down the road. I’ve learned to just go with the flow. I finally understand that I cannot control everything and that that is okay.
However, what I’m clinging tightly to in moments is pride. I’m proud of my life, my husband, my daughter, my accomplishments. I’m proud of….fill in the blank. These, dear readers, are my golden calves. I realized last night while praying with Zach that I have been pridefully staking my claim on things with a two-letter word of destruction-my. My garden. My cooking. My life. My, my, my (how the mighty have fallen).
I have taken God out of the equation. I’ve forgotten that I am His creation. So is my husband, my daughter, my garden. He has provided these things and entrusted them to my care, but they are not mine. They are gifts-not accomplishments. He created the seeds I lovingly planted. He makes them grow. God is so good to us in our inhumility. How bizarre that we forget so easily. How prideful. I realized that I’ve replaced God with myself in all these things and in doing so am very far from prostrating myself before the Lord.
I thought I had given up control to God. What I’d done is find ways in which I could still claim ownership and fill that need for success that lurks in us all. I am thankful that I have finally gotten the clarity of mind to realize these things about myself. I’m thankful that I can change. And I’m refreshed by the thought that I can still relinquish control. Let go and build trust. Create meaningful relationships with those whom I love and respect, while humbly thanking God for these gifts.