so here it is the first blog i ever wrote. my wife the champion writter has spoken and it is somewhat embarassing to write next to someone who knows how but here goes… i too am struggling with a beast called unsettling and its getting the best of me. new orleans was supossed to be great not without struggle but great and now i find myself eeking out an existence doing dishes and making bbq sandwiches without a clue in the sense of direction. by the way i love pork but not exactly what i imagined. dont misunderstand theres nothing like walking to genes with my wife and daughter to get a daquiri with an extra shot a 190 to walk the quarter with half in the bag only to sober up by way of verti marts all that jazz po boy or to sit on the front porch to watch a small second line pass but i need more. selfish we are by nature but what if we want more of what god wants but arent sure how to get there. ive worked in missions ive been halfway round the world and theres very few places in the states i havent been that said i cant be accused of not living my life fully but whats it worth if you cant get back to what makes you happy. im pretty sure it was god all along and here i am wanting more but it seems like its worse not better like im more confused not less. im also incredibly judgemental of things and people around me but with what i feel are justifiable reasons so i cant help wondering if these feelings are actual checks in my spirit a good gut feeling or not at all from god or sin. the apostle paul was converted as most know on the road to damascus only to disappear for years. is that whats been happening. is god breaking me down before he lifts me up. all i know is im ready, ready for whatevers next. i want to be a part of something that matters a revolution of love that changes people and the world blah blah blah…more to come.